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Commitments vs. Obligations

Many of my clients struggle with focusing on themselves and losing weight because they say they are overcommitted in their lives. I submit that they are actually over-obligated.

Commitment is defined as: “The act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.”
(Never mind that they define commitment with the word “commitment”…)

Obligation is defined as: “Something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.”

I go a little further with the differentiation.

Obligations are external. They come from our thinking about what we should be doing or what we think others expect us to do. Many times we obligate ourselves to gain approval. Obligations feel stressful, resentful, overwhelming and hard to keep.

Commitments are internal. You don’t do them to gain external approval, commitments are a natural extension of who you are. Commitments feel peaceful, gratifying, exciting and even the hard ones are easier to keep.

It’s not the action that differentiates a commitment from an obligation, it’s why you are doing it.

If you’re feeling obligated, you might:
Take on more clients than you need because you’re worried there won’t be enough money.
Sign up for that PTA committee because you didn’t want to disappoint the president (either the PTA president or Obama).
Agree to go to your families’ for the holidays so your mom wouldn’t give you that look.
Choose to nurse your husband’s mother because you feel like you’re supposed to.

You might do these very same activities out of a deep sense of commitment, but they would look more like this:
I take on the clients that are fabulous and happily refer out the others because I believe in abundance.
I sign up for the PTA committee because I love decorating school gyms and enjoy my fellow committee-members.
I go to my family for the holidays because even though they are nutso, I love them.
I nurse my mother-in-law because I adore her and truly want be there for her.

Don’t the commitments have a way different feel?

One of the reasons people overeat is they are over-obligated with activities that are not aligned with their real priorities (commitments). The tension is created because on some level they know they’re out of whack.

The answer lies in fousing on your commitments. Try this:

List out your obligations, then list out your top 5 priorities (commitments) for yourself. How many of your obligations fit within your top 5 priorities? If not many, consider axing your obligations and deciding what commitments you want to make. Getting rid of your obligations doesn’t mean you become a colossal flake. In fact, it becomes much easier to keep your commitments because you truly want to.

Debunking Diet Dogma–25 Things Style

I was sitting here trying to write a different article for this months’ newsletter, but I kept finding myself visiting Facebook and reading everyone’s “25 things you may not know about me.” (You can read mine here.) So, I thought I would debunk diet and exercise myths in “25 things” style.

1. Don’t eat after 7 p.m.
Oprah says it and a nation buys it. Didn’t really work for her either.

2. Eat protein after you work out.
If you are a high-performance athlete, a great idea. If you are like the rest of us, just eat when you’re hungry.

3. Eat a little to “store energy” before you work out.
Only if you’re hungry.

4. Eat now if you might get hungry later.
Throw some nuts or a non-junky bar in your bag. Then eat when you’re hungry. Are you sensing a theme here?

5. This tastes so good I don’t want to stop eating it.
Slow down and savor each bite, notice how the taste changes.

6. I can eat more because I worked out.
Don’t connect working out with the amount of food you eat.

7. I’ll eat 100-calorie packs so I can lose weight fast.
They take out the real food and replace it with crapola (technical term). You will feel less satisfied which ultimately leads to eating more.

8. It’s all about calories in and calories out.
Not so much. It’s about tuning into your body, listening and fueling it according to its needs.

9. I can’t be in the same room with chocolate/tortilla chips/fried food.
When you make these things “forbidden fruit” they become overwhelmingly tempting. Let yourself have them, really enjoy them and stop when you’re full.

10. Food is my friend.
No it isn’t. Food is not your friend or your enemy. Food is food.

11. It’s noon, must be lunchtime.
Only if you’re hungry.

12. I should eat 3/4/6 meals per day.
Listen to your body, don’t let external cues determine when you eat.

13. Wasting food is bad.
Like my mentor Brooke Castillo says, “You can either waste food inside your body or outside your body.” Either way it’s not going to the starving kids in <fill in the blank>.

14. I have to deprive myself to lose weight.
Depriving yourself is one sure way to gain weight. And is absolutely no fun.

15. If I don’t do lunges/extreme cardio/dance class it’s not working out.
Just start moving. Do what sounds fun and build from there.

16. Walking doesn’t count.
Yes it does!

17. I’m lazy because I can’t lose weight.
No you aren’t and yes you can. Really.

18. It’s hard to keep the weight off.
It’s hard to keep it on. It requires consistently being checked out of your body and mind so you can keep putting more food in your body than it wants.

19. When I’m thin, I’ll be happy.
When you are happy, you will be thin.

20. My mom always told me…
Can we agree that you can reject this one out of hand? Your mom probably doesn’t even buy it.

21. The chart in Shape magazine says I should weigh X.
Your body knows its natural weight. Don’t look to charts and diagrams to decide what feels right for you.

22. I’ll pick lowfat inferior cheesecake over the most awesome cheesecake ever.
Don’t rip yourself off. If you are going to “joy” eat, go for the best, highest quality treat. Enjoy every bite and stop when you’re full.

23.Whole-fat foods will make me fat.
Healthy whole fat foods are actually good for you, taste great and are more satisfying. I’m talking about yogurt, avocados, nuts, etc…

24. If I weigh myself three times, the number will magically change.

25. It’s all too complicated!
It’s simple (although the execution is not always easy—I get that). Listen to your body, put quality ingredients in it, be kind to yourself and don’t buy into the dogma.

What’s your dogma and how do you debunk it?

Resolutions for Rebels

I resist New Year’s resolutions. I feel like making a list of “I will do’s” on January 1 seems so conformist. My inner rebel says, “No one’s going to tell me when to change!” Yet I usually make major life changes in the winter months—so it seems there is something to this time of year being a time of change, commitment and renewal.

If you’re a resolution rebel but still find yourself thinking about what you really want in ’09, here are some tips to take you beyond the same ol’ tired resolutions:

1. Think about the feeling, not the thing.
Don’t worry, I haven’t taken a left turn into woo-woo land. Why do we want anything? To lose weight, quit smoking, exercise more, get a new job, find love? Because we think those things will cause us to feel a certain way. Instead of focusing on the thing, skip the middleman and focus on how you want to feel.

Say you want to feel happy, healthy, excited or inspired. You don’t have to wait until you lose 20 lbs to feel inspired and excited—you can find ways to feel inspired and excited RIGHT NOW.

When you feel inspired and excited (or however you want to feel), it’s much easier to stay motivated to reach your goal. And, you’ll have more fun in the process. Because the secret is that trite saying, “It’s all about the journey, not the destination.” is true.

2. Be real.
I will run 3 miles every day! I will wake up at 5 a.m. every day and meditate! I will never eat nachos again!

These might be great goals for someone who’s a dedicated runner, a Zen Buddhist priest or is lactose intolerant. But if the longest distance you’ve run is from the couch to the fridge, you can’t sit still for 5 minutes, or nachos are your favorite joy food, then you need to get real.

Unrealistic resolutions don’t serve you and are a set-up for failure. Then, when you fail, you have more evidence for your crappy belief systems about how you can’t stick to anything, lack commitment, are lazy, etc…

Start with ridiculously easy goals. The more scared/resistant you are to the change, the more ridiculously easy your goal should be.

For instance, if your first impulse is to resolve to run 3 miles every day, cut that in half. That would be 1.5 miles every day. Ask yourself if that would be ridiculously easy. No? Then cut in half again. Say to 1.5 miles 4 days a week. Keep cutting it in half until you say to yourself, “That’s ridiculous, there’s no reason I couldn’t do that.” In this case, you might get down to walking .25 miles 3 days a week. Start there. You can always build up from your ridiculously easy starting point. Now you have a completely do-able goal rather than a demotivating overly ambitious goal.

Now some of you type-A’s are saying, “That’s for weenies, you should just go for it!” If you get out there and you feel like running for 3 miles—GO FOR IT! But if you only go .25 miles, you’ll still have accomplished your goal and will feel motivated to continue. See?

3. Don’t should on yourself.
[Ed. note: I love bringing back these 90's self-help sayings!]

Many people make resolutions based on what they “should” do. I should make more money, I should join the PTA, I should go to the gym more, whatever.

If you find yourself making a resolution with the word “should” in it, I suggest you seriously re-examine it. Do you really want to do this? Is this resolution based on what other people/society think you should do? Understand your motivation—go back to Tip 1 and find the feeling this resolution creates. If it’s a negative feeling (dread, guilt, anger) dump it.

4. Try a one-word resolution.
Singer-songwriter and coach Christine Kane has a brilliant twist on resolutions. I love it! You simply choose one word (it’s fun to hold yourself to just one) to act as a theme/guiding principle for the coming year.

Mine is GO. (Ooooh, makes me all excited and motivated. Perfect.)

Why GO?
GO is for movement, momentum, forward, fast, energy, diving in, saying yes, hair-blowing-back-wind-in-my-face fun ride.

What’s yours? Comment below and say your word loud and proud.

You’ll Never Have It All Together

Many of my clients say things like this to me:

“I’m going to wait until my hectic life calms down to start weight loss coaching.”

“Once I’m at my natural weight, I’ll be happy.”

“I’ll just dive in, do all this personal work, and then my life will be perfect.”
(A personal favorite lie of mine).

“If I can just get all the laundry done, I’ll be less anxious.”

Sorry to be the one to break the news to you (actually I’m excited to be the one to break the news):

You will never have it all together. It will never all be done. It will never be perfect.

How do you feel when you ponder the above statements?

I feel excited, relieved, and peaceful.

For me, it’s a HUGE RELIEF to know that life will never be perfect. I can stop waiting for some future “then” where all the stars will align and I’ll be happy.

It’s really about being calm in the chaos. Choosing not to overeat when you feel sad, lonely or anxious. Doing the personal work because it helps you stay here in the present moment, not for some future promise of a perfect life. Starting to move toward your natural weight right now because there’s never a better time.

It’s about choosing happiness when you’re a hot mess—undone laundry, love handles, chaotic life and all.