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The River of Your Emotional Life

Think of your emotions like a river.

When you overeat, overdrink, overshop, whatever, it’s like building a dam with sticks, but the only thing that happens is the river builds up behind the sticks until it flows over and through them. The river actually becomes more powerful and concentrated the more you try to stop it. The way to make a river gentler is by widening the banks and smoothing the slope, which in terms of your emotions means allowing them to exist. When your emotions feel big, create a bigger space for them. Allow them to flow. Don’t try to constrict them with dams made of Cheetos and cute shoes.

Dreaming Big

I’ve been thinking a lot this month about dreaming big. Honestly I spent a decent amount of time being wrapped around the axle about it. You see I had a belief that I don’t dream big. (Yes, I have laughable limiting beliefs!) When I was in the grip of this belief, guess what? No big ideas. I tried to “vision” and “plan” and “brainstorm” and all kinds of other things to make the ideas come out. Nothing. When I believe I don’t dream big, I don’t dream big. It’s that simple.

I realized the truth is that I dream big and make it happen so fast that sometimes I don’t realize what I’ve done. Oooh, that felt better! All of the sudden the big ideas started coming, people even approached me with big ideas! And, I noticed that I quickly started to make them happen.

Here are the steps I went through to move from playing small to dreaming big:

1. Bust the beliefs
The first step in allowing yourself to dream big is to address any limiting beliefs you have around your ability to do so. You might think limiting thoughts like:

“If I dream it, then I have to make it happen and that’s scary.”
“If I allow myself to dream and it doesn’t happen, I’ll be disappointed.”
“If I dream it and make it happen, my friends/family won’t approve.”

Bust those beliefs by looking at the opposites of your fears:

“If I DON’T dream it, I won’t make it happen and that’s scary.”
“If I DON’T allow myself to dream, it won’t happen and I’ll be disappointed.”
“If I DON’T dream it and make it happen, I won’t approve.”

Could these statements be as true or even more true than the original fears? What happens in your life if you don’t dream big?

2. Use your own definition of “big”
If it’s inspiring and energizing, then it’s big. Doesn’t matter what it actually is, what matters is how you FEEL about it.

3. Let ‘er rip
Give those random, crazy ideas light and air. As I was making my vision board this year, I found myself pasting on an image of a blonde woman on the radio. Until that point, I hadn’t consciously realized I wanted to be on the radio. I had no idea what I wanted to do on the radio, it just sounded fun on a deep level. I didn’t pressure myself to figure it out, I didn’t run out and start an internet radio show. I just noticed and started tuning in to see what felt right. I started telling people I wanted to be on the radio and opportunities to be a guest on several radio shows arose. I have no idea where this radio thing is going, but I’m enjoying the ride.

Put your half-baked idea out there—write it down, put it on a vision board, start telling your friends. It just might be your next big idea.

4. Think good thoughts, and water
My mom and I were out planting plants the other day and had this exchange:

Mom: “I hope these transplants make it here.”

Me: “We’ll think good thoughts for them.”

Mom: “Think good thoughts and add water.”

Aside from making me laugh (I could do better at watering the plants), this struck me as profound. Making big things happen is equal parts inspiration and action—inspired action. I can’t just think good thoughts about the plants and expect them to thrive. But, when I’m thinking good thoughts about the plants, I remember that they love to be watered and get out there and do it. The same with your big ideas, think about them, get inspired and then do the footwork to make them happen.

What does dreaming big have to do with weight loss? If you are dreaming big, there’s no need to eat big.

Fast vs. Slow

I was thinking about fast vs. slow this morning. And how wanting to lose weight fast can make it come slow. Wanting to lose weight fast leads to lots of initial momentum and perhaps doing things like not quite eating to satisfaction, or doing the latest diet and then feeling dejected when you don’t see outstanding results right away, creating a loss of momentum. All of the sudden other things seem more pressing than taking care of your body and mind. In that way, wanting it fast can actually slow down the weight loss process—or even stop it.

On the flipside, it’s possible that taking it slow may result in “faster” weight loss. This could look like going back to the basics of keeping a food journal and and not letting yourself get too hungry or full. It could mean being kind to yourself which results in feeling really good and motivated about the work you’re doing, which leads you to wanting to do more, which leads to you losing more weight—perhaps faster than on the “fast” track.

I’m just sayin’.

Saying No

I just received singer-songwriter and coach (how cool is that?) Christine Kane’s newsletter. She writes brilliantly about the topic of saying no. I figured “Why reinvent the wheel?” so I’m reposting her article here. I completely agree with her as I find many of my clients also resisting the idea of saying no and buying into the idea that they “have to” do all the things they do. It’s a lie. Read on to learn how to start developing your “saying no” muscles.

The 7 Biggest Mistakes People Make When They Say No
by Christine Kane

Know what’s funny?

Many women will talk about anything when it comes to personal growth work. They aren’t afraid to “go there.”

But as soon as the topic of Saying No comes up, they’ll sit back in their seats.

“Sorry.”

“No can do.”

“I tried that. It didn’t work.”

“Huh-uh.” In fact, it seems the only thing they’re willing to say no to is… Saying No!

But saying no is important as you move to the next level in your life. One of the items in the Tool Kit of my new Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program is called “The Natural No: Templates for Saying No Authentically, Clearly, and Graciously.” After all, it’s tough to uplevel if you don’t know how to eliminate and release!

Saying No isn’t hard. It’s just that many of us do it badly! Here are the seven biggest mistakes people make when they say no…

1 – Waiting until they’re put on the spot

Most people never actually take time to ask themselves about their No’s. They wait until they’re put on the spot – and then they let their emotions (guilt, fear, anxiety) make their decisions for them!

While you can’t be prepared for every request that comes your way, you can get clear on your No’s in advance. I call this The Proactive No.

Write your list of Proactive No’s on a day off. “No volunteer positions on weekends.” “No more committees.” “No Sunday night dinner parties.” Get clear about how you want to honor your time and priorities. That way when you say no, it will be simple and authentic!

2 – Over-explaining

Rather than saying a clear “No,” many people try to explain their way out of it. This only digs them deeper into the muck.

When you over-explain yourself, you embody uneasiness. Over-explaining says, “I don’t really mean this, so I’m trying to find proof.”

3 – Using disempowered language

Language is a key element of effective “No-Saying.”

Empowered language is clear, firm, compassionate, and keeps the focus on the issue. Most people get so nervous and distracted that they ultimately do themselves a disservice by speaking at all. They ramble through the territory of the “sort of,” “kinda,” and “ya know.”

Empowered language stops the rambling. “I’m getting clear on my priorities so I’m cutting back on the extra activities in my life. In order to honor that intention, I need to say no. Thanks for understanding.”

4 – Trying to get approval

Rather than simply turning something down, many people try to “campaign” for their No.

They want to say “No.” But that’s not enough.

They also want the parties involved to approve of their “No,” agree with their “No,” and not be mad at them for saying “No.”

Saying No means that some people might be disappointed in you. That’s their “stuff.” Accept that. Give them the gift of allowing their disappointment. Give yourself the gift of having preferences.

5 – Hoping people will just ‘get it.’

Not responding at all. Putting the request off for a week. Avoiding eye-contact. These are the dances we do, hoping that people will just “get it.”

The problem with this approach is not that you’re not being “nice” to other people.

The problem is that you aren’t being complete with yourself. These little “Non-no’s” are actually draining your creative energy. Stop the leaks, and say no in the moment!

6 – Promising something they don’t mean

There’s a “Friends” episode where Ross’s new girlfriend asks him where their relationship is “going.” Ross admits to his Friends that he doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere. But rather than stating this to his girlfriend, Ross gives her the keys to his apartment and tells her he loves her.

It’s a funny episode because it shows how much energy and integrity we lose when we dishonor our own preferences and desires – all in an effort to avoid another person’s disappointment.

7 – Giving in to guilt

When you say No, you might have to deal with some guilt.

At first, being on your own side is scary. This is why some people cave in as soon as the discomfort of guilt arises. Within a week, they change their mind and opt back into the thing they didn’t want to do in the first place. Wavering and waffling sends shaky messages to everyone involved, including yourself. Allow the guilt, and just experience it. You’ll get more comfortable after a little practice!
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Let’s face it. Saying No is uncomfortable sometimes. But once you experience the clarity and space that comes from saying No successfully, then you’ll never want to go back to the way you used to do it!

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

Where are the Diet and Exercise Tips?

You might be wondering since I’m a weight loss coach and all, where are the diet and exercise tips? Where are the diet book recommendations and the newest exercises we should all be doing? Well, I can tell you I don’t plan on doing many “Top Ten Tips to Tighten Your Thighs” lists. You may notice I hardly talk about diet and exercise.

There are zillions of excellent nutrition and exercise resources out there and I will periodically share the ones I like. It’s just not the main point of what I do. Focusing solely on diet and exercise is focusing on the symptoms of the weight solely by trying to control what you eat and how you move. Don’t get me wrong, what you eat and how much you move are absolutely important. However, the critical component I focus on is the cause of the weight—the why’s.

Without looking at why the extra weight is on your body, losing weight is like trying to stop a flood. You stack sandbag after sandbag and hope you’ve stacked enough to keep the water (weight) from coming in. It’s a helpless position, you don’t know how much water is coming, when it may come and if it will be devastating this time. You just stack the sandbags in the form of dieting and exercise and hope it works.

Looking at the cause of the weight is like going upstream of the flood and discovering there’s a broken levy there. You’ve now discovered the cause of the flood. Once you repair the levy, you no longer have to frantically stack sandbags and white-knuckle it. You know the flood won’t come.

This is why I talk a lot about beliefs, thinking and feelings, because that’s where the cause of the weight can be found. It’s in the awful things we tell ourselves, the beliefs we have about food, weight and exercise, and even in what we believe about the world around us and the people in it. Those are the levies we need to repair. Once you do that work, eating and exercise are simply things we do to keep our body fueled and healthy.

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Now in complete contradiction of the above post, here’s an exercise tip just for fun. This one is courtesy of my friend and kind torturer Laura Robinson of 5Focus Wellness Studio here in Seattle.

• Lay on your back with your knees up, feet on the floor.
• Tie one of those stretchy-band things into a knot so it forms a circle.
• Put that bad boy right around your knees. (oh you may want to do that before you lay down, I suck at this!)
• Lift your butt up while keeping your head, shoulders and feet on the floor.
• Now move your feet out sideways stretching that band until your feet and knees are wider than shoulder-width apart.
• Now pulse your knees outward for 60 seconds or until your butt feels like it’s on fire, whichever comes first.

Enjoy!