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Commitments vs. Obligations

Many of my clients struggle with focusing on themselves and losing weight because they say they are overcommitted in their lives. I submit that they are actually over-obligated.

Commitment is defined as: “The act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.”
(Never mind that they define commitment with the word “commitment”…)

Obligation is defined as: “Something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.”

I go a little further with the differentiation.

Obligations are external. They come from our thinking about what we should be doing or what we think others expect us to do. Many times we obligate ourselves to gain approval. Obligations feel stressful, resentful, overwhelming and hard to keep.

Commitments are internal. You don’t do them to gain external approval, commitments are a natural extension of who you are. Commitments feel peaceful, gratifying, exciting and even the hard ones are easier to keep.

It’s not the action that differentiates a commitment from an obligation, it’s why you are doing it.

If you’re feeling obligated, you might:
Take on more clients than you need because you’re worried there won’t be enough money.
Sign up for that PTA committee because you didn’t want to disappoint the president (either the PTA president or Obama).
Agree to go to your families’ for the holidays so your mom wouldn’t give you that look.
Choose to nurse your husband’s mother because you feel like you’re supposed to.

You might do these very same activities out of a deep sense of commitment, but they would look more like this:
I take on the clients that are fabulous and happily refer out the others because I believe in abundance.
I sign up for the PTA committee because I love decorating school gyms and enjoy my fellow committee-members.
I go to my family for the holidays because even though they are nutso, I love them.
I nurse my mother-in-law because I adore her and truly want be there for her.

Don’t the commitments have a way different feel?

One of the reasons people overeat is they are over-obligated with activities that are not aligned with their real priorities (commitments). The tension is created because on some level they know they’re out of whack.

The answer lies in fousing on your commitments. Try this:

List out your obligations, then list out your top 5 priorities (commitments) for yourself. How many of your obligations fit within your top 5 priorities? If not many, consider axing your obligations and deciding what commitments you want to make. Getting rid of your obligations doesn’t mean you become a colossal flake. In fact, it becomes much easier to keep your commitments because you truly want to.

The Spin-Out

You know when you have that regularly-occurring circumstance that you just know is going to throw you for a loop? Insomnia, overeating, an uncooperative spouse, to name a few examples. You feel the signs coming, you spring awake at 2 a.m., you’re eating past fullness, or your spouse isn’t talking to you again.

These things are very real: overeating, insomnia and marital discord happen. But then, we do what I call the spin-out which only serves to make things worse–for you.

Here’s how the spin-out goes:

Spring awake at 2 a.m.

Think: Oh no! Now I’m never getting back to sleep should I take a sleeping pill maybe I should read I hate it when this happens now I’m going to feel like crap tomorrow why does this always happen to me now I’m not going to sleep for days I should try to relax but I can’t relax this is a curse what is wrong with me I should’ve taken a pill before bed did I drink too much coffee today.

Repeat about 10,000 times until morning.

You may not be able to change the circumstance–but you can certainly stop yourself from making things worse by spinning out. There’s a part of our mind that thinks spinning out on our problems will make them better. It’s our mind’s way of trying to solve the problem, but the focus is on the wrong place. When you spin-out, the focus is on the problem. Expecting it to be bad, asking why it happened and worrying about unknown consequences will keep you awake, eating and angry at your spouse.

Here’s how to stop the spin-out:
1. Stay in the present–don’t project about what’s going to happen in the future. If you think you’re never going to be able to stop overeating or that you and your spouse will never be close again, then that’s what’s most likely to happen. Our minds are very supportive, and when you think thoughts like this, your mind will help you make it happen. Hence the expression, “What you think about, you bring about.”

2. Avoid “Here we go again”–be open to the idea that things could turn out better than they have in the past. After all, you’ve been open to the idea that this will be the worst night/overindulgence/fight, isn’t it just as possible that this time could be different? Which way of thinking makes you feel better? You may think that this is just a form of BS’ing yourself, but you don’t have evidence that it’s going to be worse or better–so why not choose to believe better?

3. Don’t ask why–asking “why me” is going on the road to nowhere and does not yield any useful information.

4. Interrupt the spin-out–the best way to stop the spin-out is to find a very simple better-feeling thought, almost like a mantra that you can repeat to keep the litany of mental BS from kicking in. Some ideas: Just now, What’s the solution?, Relax, I’m ok. Find what works for you.

5. Stop resisting–ok, so you overate, you’re awake, your spouse isn’t talking to you right now. Can you handle it in this moment, without all the spin-out thoughts? The spin-out is a form of resisting what is happening, when you stop resisting, you’re in a better position to see the situation clearly and take care of yourself around it.

6. Ask yourself better questions. The spin-out is about the problem, stop the spin and turn your mind toward solutions with better questions.
Instead of “Why me?” ask, “What can I do to take care of me?”
Instead of “It’s going to be bad.” ask, “What can I do to feel better?”
Instead of “I’m out of control.” ask, “What is within my control?”

I’d love to hear how you stop the spin-out. Feel free to comment and share.