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Coming Out

My life has been a series of coming outs. I always imagined myself as a conformist (stop laughing!), until the universe conspired to show me that a) I will never be “normal”, b) that normal does not exist, and c) that I’ll have a hell of a lot more fun as a conventional nonconformist–a practical radical if you will. Each time I came out, I peeled off another layer of my social self–that part of me that wants to fit in and not make waves.

Because I was born to make waves.

My first coming out was the result of a moment of clarity: I saw the beer in one hand and the mirror with the cocaine on it in the other, and in that moment knew that as long as I drank, I lost the ability to Just Say No. And more importantly, the ability to create the life I wanted.

I came out as an alcoholic and addict.

Not so I could wear a label for the rest of my life, but so I could clearly and decisively leave those playgrounds, playmates and playthings behind. And, so I could ask for help. I needed to come clean so my addiction was no longer my good girl’s dirty little secret. After all, we are only as sick as our secrets. I learned that my truth is more important than looking good.

Then, after much hilarity ensued while trying to date men sober, I realized that I was er, not exactly straight.

I came out as a lesbian. (I prefer “gay” but tomatoes, tomahtoes…)

Talk about an upset to my conformist self! Crap, now there was no way I was going to blend in and do all the right things that society expects like marry a man and have children. What I got from this coming out is that I don’t have to be what I think people want me to be for them to love me (or for me to love me). And that if I’m unashamed of who I am, people won’t be weird about it either. Or if they are weird about it, it is really apparent it’s their issue. I learned that honoring myself is more important than conforming.

Next, I knew I was dying a slow death-by-career, but my mind wouldn’t even let me consider such a radical action as getting a whole new gig. I had to get heavy enough and miserable enough to again go the nonconformist route.

Then I came out as a life coach.

This coming out was just as traumatic as the others! I thought life coaches were a bunch of wacky rainbow chasers and unicorn trainers–I was so not down with that. What I realized is that I bring ME to whatever I do. I define the title, the title does not define me. I learned to speak with my authentic voice–the voice of an irreverent, saucy, feisty, swearing, funny, recovering alcoholic, gay life coach.

Now, I feel another coming out coming on. It has to do with complete acceptance of what I’m thinking and feeling in any given moment. It has to do with feeling more than a little ranty about the self-help idea that we’re flawed and need to be fixed. It might just have to do with rainbows and unicorns… I’m not quite sure yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime…

What are you becoming?

How Will I Make Money Doing That?

This is the most frequent fear I hear from clients who are contemplating a career change. Worrying about how you will make money while dreaming about your ideal career is like being doused with cold water while sleeping—disruptive at best, completely unnerving at worst. Here are some tips for how to allow yourself to dream about your ideal career AND figure out how you’re going to make money.

Create a Dreaming Sandbox
(The kind kids play in, not the one the cat uses.)
In the Internet world, web developers have what they call a “sandbox.” This is a web-based environment solely for the developer where she can play with new code and see how it works on a pseudo-version of the website, without messing up anything on the real site.

Create your own Dreaming Sandbox where you allow yourself to play with new ideas. Don’t worry if the ideas you’re playing with can make it in the real world or not, just allow them to form and evolve. Have fun with it, let yourself have silly, impractical ideas. Letting yourself have those ideas will lead you down paths you’ve never before explored.

Put Your Fears in the Parking Lot
As you allow yourself to start dreaming, fears will inevitably come up. Write down your fears and put them aside—I call it the “Parking Lot”—to deal with later. This way you aren’t resisting the fears, but you also aren’t letting them get in the way of the creative process.

Solve for Career and Money as Two Separate Problems
Note how you feel when you say the below statements to yourself:

Statement 1
I really want to be a <insert career idea here> but I also need to make <insert amount of money>.

vs.
Statement 2
I really want to be a <insert career idea>; what’s the next step to move toward it?
AND
I would like to make <insert amount of money>, how can I do that?

I’m guessing Statement 2 feels better. Perhaps it even blew your mind a bit with new possibilities you hadn’t considered before. When you join the questions “What will I do?” and “How will I make money?” you are requiring your dream to deliver the financial goods right away. This often feels like an insurmountable problem, so we stop dreaming. When you separate these questions, new possibilities unfold. Suddenly there are many ways to move toward your heart’s desire and make money along the way.

The next time someone asks you how you’ll make money pursuing your dream, tell them you’ll do it the same way you always have—with style, creativity, and a little elbow grease.

P.S.

If you live in Seattle, check out my upcoming Mastering Money workshop.

Inspiration

I’ve been thinking a lot about inspiration this week. While it’s important to do the deep work on the stuff that holds us back from living the life we truly want, it’s also important to aspire, dream and imagine. Isn’t that why we do all the work?

I saw Meadow Devor’s mind movie earlier this week, had a massive never-before-experienced flash of inspiration, jumped out of bed at an ungodly hour and made this.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tP485aTeBos]

What inspires you?

Learn more about mind movies here.