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You’ll Never Have It All Together

Many of my clients say things like this to me:

“I’m going to wait until my hectic life calms down to start weight loss coaching.”

“Once I’m at my natural weight, I’ll be happy.”

“I’ll just dive in, do all this personal work, and then my life will be perfect.”
(A personal favorite lie of mine).

“If I can just get all the laundry done, I’ll be less anxious.”

Sorry to be the one to break the news to you (actually I’m excited to be the one to break the news):

You will never have it all together. It will never all be done. It will never be perfect.

How do you feel when you ponder the above statements?

I feel excited, relieved, and peaceful.

For me, it’s a HUGE RELIEF to know that life will never be perfect. I can stop waiting for some future “then” where all the stars will align and I’ll be happy.

It’s really about being calm in the chaos. Choosing not to overeat when you feel sad, lonely or anxious. Doing the personal work because it helps you stay here in the present moment, not for some future promise of a perfect life. Starting to move toward your natural weight right now because there’s never a better time.

It’s about choosing happiness when you’re a hot mess—undone laundry, love handles, chaotic life and all.

The Happiness Equation

I’ll be happy when:
   I’m at my ideal weight.
   The economy turns around.
   My candidate gets elected.
   I get an awesome new job/car/relationship.

It’s easy to buy into the “I’ll be happy when” formula. The problem is if you wait for everything (or even one thing) to align perfectly to be happy, you’re in for a very long and painful wait.

We think the Happiness Equation works like this:
   Thin = Happy
   Money = Happy
   Get what I want = Happy

This equation states that when the condition has been met, happiness will follow. That sucks. Here’s why:

If the condition is something you can’t affect, say the economy or the election, you are automatically giving up your own power to determine your own happiness to something that’s completely beyond your control. Your happiness is now conditional on the Nasdaq or how people in Florida count ballots. No offense to the fine people of Florida, but I don’t really want them in charge of my happiness.

If the condition is something you can affect, for example money or your weight, then you’ve set yourself up for an arduous schlep to your goal. It’s a heck of a lot harder—if not impossible—to reach your goals when you withhold happiness until the goal is met. I call this the Infinite Loop of Unhappiness and it looks like this:

If: Money = Happy

Then: Don’t have money = unhappy

Then: Demoralized that I don’t have money, not creative about making money = unhappy

Repeat.

Here’s the winning formula:

   Happy = Money
   Happy = Thin
   Happy = Have all I need (easy to get what I want)

The secret is to be happy first. Here’s some tips to help you get your happy on.

Find the Feeling: When we want something, we’re really looking for the feeling that thing will give us. Find the feeling now. How will you feel when you have money, a new job, a tight bod, George Clooney or Angie? Once you know the feeling you’re looking for, you can start to create that feeling in your life today.

Accept where you are right now: We think if we change something about our current reality, we’ll feel better. But with that thinking, there is always some mystical “there” that is not here. It’s like chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Accepting your imperfect life as it is right now allows you to see what’s good around you right now.

Bring the focus back to you: Trying to change others to make us happy is a losing formula. That’s like leaving your happiness to chance: If someone “behaves” then we can be happy, if they don’t then we can’t. The only person you absolutely can affect is you—focus on “behaving” in a way that makes you happy regardless of what others are doing.

Staying happy and resilient even during the toughest times just requires doing the math. How does your happiness add up?

More Joy

I was working with a client who was very focused on work and unhappy. So I gave her what seemed to be a simple homework assignment, add more joy to her life. When we talked the next week, she confessed that this assignment stressed her out—at first. She spent a bunch of time wracking her brain for things that might bring her joy: a new class she might enjoy, a hobby she could take up, an enriching experience she could seek out. Then all of the sudden it hit her as she was driving to the Office Depot in the city she was visiting—she felt joyful in that moment. Why? Because one of the things that brings her joy is discovering familiar things in an unfamiliar place.

My client hit on the crux of finding joy. So often we think finding more joy in our lives is about creating some kind of big-deal new experience. “Adding” joy to your life is a misnomer, it’s really about noticing when you feel joyful in your life right now. It could be as simple as driving to Office Depot, snuggling with your pet/child/significant other, laughing with a friend, walking along a familiar stretch and noticing the truly beautiful scenery, your favorite song coming on the radio at just the right moment, or colored pens (a personal favorite). When my client noticed how this simple activity brought her joy, she started noticing more and more things that caused her to feel joyful and by the time we talked, she was just about giddy with all this newfound joy. No classes, brain-wracking or bungee jumping required.

What brings you joy? Comment and share.