Changing Your Mind

How do you react to the good?

Scruffy, the Momentum LifeWorks mascot and general wonderdog, inspired me to write this post. See, when we give her a really good treat like a chewy bone or a Dingo, she goes a little nutty. She carries the newly-acquired treasure around in her mouth and wanders all over the house whining this little pitiful whine. She seems to be looking for an ideal place to either stash or consume her booty. Even though she got exactly what she wants, she has no idea what to do now. Sound familiar?

This got me thinking about how we react when really outstanding things happen. Say, for instance, getting a new job. At first there’s elation, “I got a new job, yay! I’m so excited.” Perhaps you do a little happy dance and tell all your friends. Right on the heels of that comes the first “whine” (if you will) in the form of, “Oh crap! I have a new job.” (Wow, what will I ever do with this treat?). Then we proceed to have all kinds of thoughts about what could happen–What if I fail? (Should I hide it in the couch?), What if I don’t like it? (Should I eat it on the stairs?), What if no one likes me? (Should I bury it outside?). Now we are thoroughly freaked out about this wonderful new job (chewy bone) and are unable to enjoy it.

My advice? Do what Scruffy does, after about 10 minutes she realizes she has a wonderful chewy bone—it’s right there, just for her! What a great and glorious day this is! Then she sits down and enjoys every minute of it. What changed? She quit worrying about what to do, which caused her to quit her tailspin and then all she had to do was sit down and eat the bone (show up and do the job). Yum.

Put the Hammer Down

Why do we think it’s effective to beat up on ourselves? We do something “wrong” and then we BAM! BAM! BAM! ourselves with our personal hammer of self-abuse.

BAM! I should’ve done…
BAM! I’m so dumb…
BAM! I should be better than this!
BAM! Why do I always do this?

Think of the worst boss you ever had. Maybe they yelled at you, treated you unfairly or simply threw you under the bus at any available opportunity. Think about how you felt when this boss acted out—did it make you want to be a better worker? Did his/her behavior motivate you to exceed expectations? I doubt it. When you beat yourself up, you are being this awful boss to yourself. This is not an effective way of managing people and it’s not an effective way of managing yourself. Beating yourself up just makes you feel bad, it doesn’t motivate you to do better. On the contrary, you’ll probably feel the need to rebel from your inner dictator.

Now, think of the most awesome boss you’ve ever had. For me, this person inspired and motivated me while treating me like a capable adult and holding me accountable in a straightforward way. I was a happy and highly motivated employee working for her. I went to new levels in my career under her supportive mentorship.

Be the awesome boss of yourself. Put the hammer of those deadly phrases you say to yourself down. Treat yourself with compassion and ask yourself, “How would my awesome boss handle this?” You’ll find your mind performs way better for your compassionate boss than it does for your inner dictator.

Try firing your inner dictator, step away from the hammer, and see what happens.

Soundtrack of your life

If your life had a soundtrack, what would it be? I find music to be a powerful mood-altering substance (in a good way). I like to make playlists around themes in my life. In Martha Beck’s book Finding Your Own North Star, she talks about the essential self vs. the social self. Your essential self is your core—the part of you that is pure desire, emotion and joy. Your social self is that part of you that gets things done—but it’s also the part of you that can get wrapped up in the world around you. Both aspects of yourself are good, but contrary to popular opinion, you’ll be much happier if you put your essential self in the driver’s seat. After all, your essential self knows where you really want to go.

So, what would the playlist for your essential and social selves be?

For my social self:

Here Comes the Rain Again, Eurythmics
Church of the Poison Mind, Culture Club
Because of You, Kelly Clarkson
Private Idaho, The B-52′s
I Want You to Want Me, Cheap Trick
Brand New Lover, Dead or Alive
Devil in My Car, The B-52′s
Once in a Lifetime, Talking Heads
Here it Goes Again, Ok Go
Inside Out, Eve 6
Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
Never There, Cake

For my essential self:

Let’s Go Crazy, Prince
Stronger, Kanye West
Philadelphia Freedom, Elton John
Personal Jesus, Depeche Mode
Suddenly I See, KT Tunstall
Superstition, Stevie Wonder
Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
Three Little Birds, Bob Marley
So Alive, Love & Rockets
Free Your Mind, En Vogue
September, Earth, Wind, & Fire
Here I Am, Al Green
Stand and Deliver, Adam Ant

I find when I’m a funk that turning either one of these up to 11 does the trick. Beats listening to NPR.

Comment and share the soundtrack of your life.

Mind Your Own Beeswax

Remember this phrase from your grade school days? Those kids were amazingly clear about what was their own business—and they weren’t afraid to tell you to stay out of it. As adults, it seems that we are easily confused about what constitutes “my business” vs. “your business”.

Why does it matter whose business we’re in? My experience is that when I’m in someone else’s business I do things like: wish they were different, want them to act/react in a certain way, or perhaps gossip about them. One thing’s for sure, I’m not tending to my own business!

The reality is we cannot change others. Think of it this way, we don’t wish our dogs would act like cats, does it make any more sense to wish that Aunt Myrtle would stop talking incessantly? I’ve got news for ya, Aunt Myrtle loves the sound of her voice and has no plans to change. Are we then just damned to listening to Aunt Myrtle prattle on into perpetuity? There is a solution.

While we cannot change other people, we absolutely can control how we react to them. This is where the power is. Wishing Aunt Myrtle would change is a powerless position; it may or may not happen (and I can pretty much guarantee you won’t be the cause of it). But, when I’m thinking of ways I can react differently, I’m now firmly in control. When Auntie starts in about her bursitis and corns again, there is a whole bevy of things I can do at that point. I could: sit quietly and daydream about playing in a LPGA golf event; start a conversation with another person; decide it’s a great time to go to another room; play dysfunctional relative bingo and see how many key words she says; maybe even try listening compassionately from a place of realizing that Auntie just wants someone to listen to her. Why would I let Auntie irritate me? As you can see, it is completely up to me what I want to take from our exchange. I’m a much happier person knowing that how I deal with the situation is up to me.

Here’s a handy visual of the My Business/Your Business model. I like to think of them as bubbles: I can only control what goes out of my bubble and how I react to what comes in. You’ll also notice that you have no control over how the other person reacts to what you say. You could mean one thing and they interpret another—that’s their business.

So, when you find yourself feeling frustrated, mad or just wishing someone would be different, do what the kids do and mind your own beeswax.

Evidence

Evidence always seemed like a rather black and white thing (Law and Order SVU is one of my favorite shows after all). The bad guy commits a crime and there’s this handy trail of evidence to prove when, where, how, and if they’re lucky, why he did it.

I’ve discovered evidence is way more subjective and wiggly in my own life. For instance, if I’m feeling crappy about myself for say, not exercising enough, I can find all kinds of evidence to support my crappiness:

“Look there! On Monday you slept late and didn’t go to the gym.”
“You didn’t do the 100 lunges you were supposed to do.”
“Jeez, you didn’t even walk the dog in the last 3 days!”

As you can see, the evidence is clearly overwhelming. Except…

When I’m feeling great about myself and have thoughts like: “I take great care of myself,” then the very same events that fueled the evidence above can now be used as evidence of my fabulousness:

“You’re awesome, on Monday you slept late because you were feeling like you might be coming down with something.”
“You created a really fun workout (instead of those boring 100 lunges) that was so enjoyable, you’ll for sure be back to the gym tomorrow.”
“Since it was sleeting and snowing and Scruffy hates that weather, she was glad you just played fetch with her inside.”

If you don’t like how your evidence is adding up, try looking for different evidence.