Changing Your Mind

Gut Check

Ever find yourself spinning round and round over a decision? You know that if you don’t make the exact right decision, you’ll be some level of screwed from minor inconvenience to total life meltdown. You frantically think it through trying to analyze the decision from every angle. Yet the spinning continues.

My suggestion–do a gut check. Everyone has “gut feelings,” but many people ignore them in favor of trying to think through a problem. This sounds very smart, rational, and adult except for one problem: in the words of Martha Beck, “our minds lie to us like two-bit ladies of the night.” (Er, paraphrased) The reason we spin out when trying to think through a thorny issue is that our mind starts in with the chorus of our greatest fears which go something like this:

“If you go back to school/change careers/take up skateboarding you’ll end up totally broke everyone will think you’re crazy you’ll never be smart enough people will point and laugh no one will love you…blah, blah, blah.”

It’s very hard to make a decision with this kind of mental noise. Our minds try to steer us toward the “safe” decision, which rarely leads to happiness and often isn’t even that safe. That’s where the gut check comes in. The mind tends to be governed by fear and becomes clouded by it. Your essential self, that part of you that isn’t worried about the fear chorus, talks to you through your body. And your body never lies. If this sounds a little woo-woo, it’s actually very practical. Think about a time you had a gut feeling about something, perhaps you felt an immediate connection (aversion) to someone you met , or a sense of rightness (wrongness) about a situation, or walked into an office to interview and knew you’d be working there (or knew you should turn and walk right out the door). That’s your gut talking to you. Was that feeling ever wrong? Was there a time you ignored a gut feeling and were sorry you did? Exactly.

Now, back to that question you’re wrangling with. Submit it to a gut check. When you think about Possible Action A, what’s your gut feeling? How about Possible Action B? If you’re still getting a cloudy reading, try again but preface your gut check by asking yourself the question, “What feels the best if I knew everything would work out perfectly?” You’ll know which action is on the right track because it will give you the sensation of peace, freedom, excitement, generally of rightness. Pick that one.

Pay more attention to the gut check and see where your essential self guides you. Try it on everything from what to have for dinner, to whether you should go on that second date, to your next job. I promise you it will be a fun ride.

More Joy

I was working with a client who was very focused on work and unhappy. So I gave her what seemed to be a simple homework assignment, add more joy to her life. When we talked the next week, she confessed that this assignment stressed her out—at first. She spent a bunch of time wracking her brain for things that might bring her joy: a new class she might enjoy, a hobby she could take up, an enriching experience she could seek out. Then all of the sudden it hit her as she was driving to the Office Depot in the city she was visiting—she felt joyful in that moment. Why? Because one of the things that brings her joy is discovering familiar things in an unfamiliar place.

My client hit on the crux of finding joy. So often we think finding more joy in our lives is about creating some kind of big-deal new experience. “Adding” joy to your life is a misnomer, it’s really about noticing when you feel joyful in your life right now. It could be as simple as driving to Office Depot, snuggling with your pet/child/significant other, laughing with a friend, walking along a familiar stretch and noticing the truly beautiful scenery, your favorite song coming on the radio at just the right moment, or colored pens (a personal favorite). When my client noticed how this simple activity brought her joy, she started noticing more and more things that caused her to feel joyful and by the time we talked, she was just about giddy with all this newfound joy. No classes, brain-wracking or bungee jumping required.

What brings you joy? Comment and share.

Approval Anyone?

I want you to like me. Really. I want everyone to like me and not only that, to tell me how much they like me. On a regular basis—effusively would be fantastic. Adulation, compliments, atta-girls, gold stars (oooh, how I love gold stars), recognition, attention, love—I love approval in all its sundry forms. I love approval like Carrie loves shoes. I can’t get enough. And that’s the problem.

When I look for approval in others, I only suffer. They just aren’t good enough at it. They don’t give me enough, they don’t say what I want when I want, or I just plain don’t believe them. People suck at giving me approval. I’m really the only one that’s good at it. When I give myself approval, I always get more than enough at just the right time in precisely the way I want. And, if I’m doing my work, I always believe it. Funny thing happens when I count on me for approval—it starts coming from everywhere. I can’t imagine people not approving of me. And if they do, they must not know me—because if they knew me, of course they would adore me.

How do I give myself approval? Basically, I clean up thoughts that get in the way of me approving of myself such as, “I’m not good enough.” and “I need others to validate me.” I call this process of finding all the thoughts on a given topic Clearing My Mental Cluster*&$%. The next step in clearing my approval-seeking cluster is to replace the thoughts that don’t serve me with ones that feel better and importantly, also feel true. I’m not talking about Stewart Smalley positive affirmations here; I’m talking about doing the work to really find thoughts that create a positive mental shift for me. (Thoughts are just the stories we choose to tell ourselves, so why not find better stories to tell?) Could “I am not only good enough, I’m freakin’ awesome!” be as true or more true than not being good enough? Definitely. Could “Others never really validate me, only I can be in charge of that.” be as true as the original? Works for me.

I used to think self-esteem was something I had to seek, that it was something I had to add to myself. Now I know that my esteem is inherent and all I need to do is subtract my crappy cluster thoughts and all that remains is self-respect, love, approval and a giant gold star.

You hate your job–could the problem be YOU?

Your job is the worst. You have to work way too much, your boss thinks you’re stupid, you hate the commute, and the latest corporate initiative du jour makes you want to commit hara-kiri in your cube.

I’m going to introduce a dramatic concept—YOU are the problem. This is actually great news. This means that you have the complete power to change your workday experience without one thing around you changing. By the same token, if you wait for everything and everyone at work to behave perfectly before you decide to be happy, you’re in for one hell of a long wait.

Here are 3 tips for taking control of you—and your career.

Judge your co-worker, judge yourself
Notice how many times a day you judge your co-workers—it could be anything from thinking that Fred eats too many doughnuts, to being annoyed by Missy the brown-noser, to chafing at your CEO’s indecisiveness.

Ever heard of “spot it, you got it?” It means that when you spot an annoying quality in someone else, it’s because that quality is acting as a mirror to something you dislike within yourself. It could be Fred’s doughnut-feasting abandon annoys because you don’t allow yourself any treats without feeling incredibly guilty. Perhaps Missy makes you wish you were as outgoing and friendly. And maybe you use the CEO’s indecisiveness to talk yourself out of acting on your own bold ideas. The best way to prevent your co-workers from annoying you? Spot their behavior and figure out what it’s telling you about yourself. You’ll realize it’s not your co-workers’ mission in life to annoy you and you may even treat them with more compassion. (Which may change the way they interact with you—I’m just saying.)

Who are you trying to please?
Why are you working so many hours? Why do you always have to do an A+ job? What if all your emails and voice mails don’t get answered? What happens if the project isn’t done on time? If you are attempting to please someone other than yourself, then these questions have your heart hammering.

These questions may trigger thoughts like:

• I have to respond to all of these emails so people think I’m on top of it.
• I need to be online at 10 p.m. because my boss is.
• I’m the only one who can herd all the cats to keep this project going. If it fails, it’s my fault.
• If I do less than an A+ job, others won’t view me as an outstanding achiever.

While these thoughts may feel like absolute fact, they are not. These are subjective thoughts about a given situation, and you can change them. Want to reduce your stress and aggravation? Change how you’re thinking about work. This doesn’t mean just think “happy thoughts” no matter what; it means thinking about your job in a way that puts you firmly in control.

Here are some new thoughts you could try on:

• Responding to emails or not bears no reflection on my capabilities.
• Just because my boss is a workaholic doesn’t require me to be.
• Am I really the only one that is keeping this project afloat? What does that say about everyone else involved? Am I really that important? Is everyone else really that incapable? Does the project have to be done 100% my way?
• If I do a B- job, most people won’t even notice and I’ll be much happier and have more quality time to spend with my family.
• Doing a B- job at work means doing an A+ job in my life.

Do you really HAVE to do that?
Pay attention to how many times a day you tell yourself you “have to” do something. This is a lie. Every task without exception is a choice (ok, except breathing and other autonomic body functions). You may do some tasks because you don’t want to get fired, have your car repossessed, or have your lights turned off, but the fact remains these are choices you’re making. Instead of feeling victimized by your have-to’s, take back your power and actively choose what you will and won’t do. Ask yourself what the consequences of not doing that action would be and if you can live with them; don’t do it. Test the boundaries at work—what could you really get away with not doing?

Each of these three tips requires you to step back and examine your thoughts and assumptions about who you work with, why you’re working the way you do, and what you really want to accomplish. The beauty is that all of these things can be controlled and changed solely by you without anything else at work changing. This may not be your ultimate job and your workplace may be truly toxic, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel like a victim. Employing these three tips consistently will make you feel better no matter what the circumstances—and isn’t that what it’s all about?

Bosses Gone Wild

Back in the day when I was but a young online marketing ingénue, I was living the idyllic life, working for a mentor I adored as part of a smart, cohesive and fun team (at least that’s how I remember it). Then, my first corporate reorg occurred and I found out effective immediately, I would be moving to Team X and reporting to my new boss, I’ll call him “Tad.” Tad was the new exec on the block and had a reputation for “shaking things up” and “straight talk.” Little did I know at the time that this is code-speak for this guy is a megalomaniacal jerk.  

Team X and Tad had a different vibe. Tad lead his team with a unique mix of bombast, intimidation, and manipulation with just a dash of sexual harassment to keep things interesting. Tad’s favorite thing to do was call the team together and yell at/lecture us on obscure sociological topics for up to 3 hours at a time (I’m not exaggerating). Fun. Needless to say I did not respond well to this management style.

One day, Tad tracked me down and called me to his office. I managed to avoid him most of the time since I worked in another building. Then, with his office door open, he tore into me about some perceived mistake I made. To top it off, he then proceeded to deliver a pandering lecture that was supposed to “help” me “get” whatever he perceived I wasn’t getting. All of this within clear earshot of all my coworkers and lasting for a couple of hours. To this day I still cringe at the thought of dodging the spittle while sitting there enduring his tirade and trying not to cry (I didn’t thank god). I was humiliated, angry and ready to walk right out the door.

Why?

That’s not a question I could ask much less answer at that time. I spent a lot of time feeling victimized by Tad and eventually threatened to quit my job if I wasn’t moved to another manager (not a recommended move unless you’re really ready to walk). There was practically a take-a-ticket machine at HR for Tad by this time so it came as no surprise to the powers-that-be. But why did Tad’s tirades make me feel so bad?

Because I believed him.

I was insecure and intimidated by him and others around me. I believed I was not as smart as the rest of Team X so Tad’s tirades felt like a knife in my heart. This is an important distinction—it wasn’t Tad’s words that were cutting me, it was my THOUGHTS about his words.

What if I hadn’t believed Tad? What if I completely believed that I was smart, talented and that nothing bad would happen to me no matter what he said? I’ll tell you what would’ve happened—it would’ve been a much shorter meeting. If I didn’t believe what Tad is saying, I wouldn’t have attached to it emotionally, which would have allowed me to use my rational mind to extract myself from the situation—and would’ve made me a much less attractive target for his tirade. (People like this pick up insecurity like a scent and will go for the jugular every time.)

Here’s how it could’ve gone had I not believed what he was saying:

Tad: Bridgette, you totally screwed up the TPS report.

Bridgette: Hmmm, can you give me more specifics about what you expected to see?

Tad: Well, you should’ve attached the cover sheet to the TPS report thusly.

Bridgette: Ok Tad, I’ll make sure to do that next time. Later.

I can tell you that I wouldn’t have hung around for hours of verbal abuse. When I believe I’m worthy, there are a million ways to handle this situation, most of them involving a very short conversation. When I’m emotionally attached, I shut down and become stuck.

I couldn’t change Tad (turns out Tad couldn’t change himself and was eventually fired), but I could’ve changed my thoughts about the situation. When you don’t believe something is true, it’s impossible for someone else to attack or victimize you. What they are saying will literally seem bizarre or even laughable to you—it’s just not real. Try it and see what happens.