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Saying No

I just received singer-songwriter and coach (how cool is that?) Christine Kane’s newsletter. She writes brilliantly about the topic of saying no. I figured “Why reinvent the wheel?” so I’m reposting her article here. I completely agree with her as I find many of my clients also resisting the idea of saying no and buying into the idea that they “have to” do all the things they do. It’s a lie. Read on to learn how to start developing your “saying no” muscles.

The 7 Biggest Mistakes People Make When They Say No
by Christine Kane

Know what’s funny?

Many women will talk about anything when it comes to personal growth work. They aren’t afraid to “go there.”

But as soon as the topic of Saying No comes up, they’ll sit back in their seats.

“Sorry.”

“No can do.”

“I tried that. It didn’t work.”

“Huh-uh.” In fact, it seems the only thing they’re willing to say no to is… Saying No!

But saying no is important as you move to the next level in your life. One of the items in the Tool Kit of my new Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program is called “The Natural No: Templates for Saying No Authentically, Clearly, and Graciously.” After all, it’s tough to uplevel if you don’t know how to eliminate and release!

Saying No isn’t hard. It’s just that many of us do it badly! Here are the seven biggest mistakes people make when they say no…

1 – Waiting until they’re put on the spot

Most people never actually take time to ask themselves about their No’s. They wait until they’re put on the spot – and then they let their emotions (guilt, fear, anxiety) make their decisions for them!

While you can’t be prepared for every request that comes your way, you can get clear on your No’s in advance. I call this The Proactive No.

Write your list of Proactive No’s on a day off. “No volunteer positions on weekends.” “No more committees.” “No Sunday night dinner parties.” Get clear about how you want to honor your time and priorities. That way when you say no, it will be simple and authentic!

2 – Over-explaining

Rather than saying a clear “No,” many people try to explain their way out of it. This only digs them deeper into the muck.

When you over-explain yourself, you embody uneasiness. Over-explaining says, “I don’t really mean this, so I’m trying to find proof.”

3 – Using disempowered language

Language is a key element of effective “No-Saying.”

Empowered language is clear, firm, compassionate, and keeps the focus on the issue. Most people get so nervous and distracted that they ultimately do themselves a disservice by speaking at all. They ramble through the territory of the “sort of,” “kinda,” and “ya know.”

Empowered language stops the rambling. “I’m getting clear on my priorities so I’m cutting back on the extra activities in my life. In order to honor that intention, I need to say no. Thanks for understanding.”

4 – Trying to get approval

Rather than simply turning something down, many people try to “campaign” for their No.

They want to say “No.” But that’s not enough.

They also want the parties involved to approve of their “No,” agree with their “No,” and not be mad at them for saying “No.”

Saying No means that some people might be disappointed in you. That’s their “stuff.” Accept that. Give them the gift of allowing their disappointment. Give yourself the gift of having preferences.

5 – Hoping people will just ‘get it.’

Not responding at all. Putting the request off for a week. Avoiding eye-contact. These are the dances we do, hoping that people will just “get it.”

The problem with this approach is not that you’re not being “nice” to other people.

The problem is that you aren’t being complete with yourself. These little “Non-no’s” are actually draining your creative energy. Stop the leaks, and say no in the moment!

6 – Promising something they don’t mean

There’s a “Friends” episode where Ross’s new girlfriend asks him where their relationship is “going.” Ross admits to his Friends that he doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere. But rather than stating this to his girlfriend, Ross gives her the keys to his apartment and tells her he loves her.

It’s a funny episode because it shows how much energy and integrity we lose when we dishonor our own preferences and desires – all in an effort to avoid another person’s disappointment.

7 – Giving in to guilt

When you say No, you might have to deal with some guilt.

At first, being on your own side is scary. This is why some people cave in as soon as the discomfort of guilt arises. Within a week, they change their mind and opt back into the thing they didn’t want to do in the first place. Wavering and waffling sends shaky messages to everyone involved, including yourself. Allow the guilt, and just experience it. You’ll get more comfortable after a little practice!
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Let’s face it. Saying No is uncomfortable sometimes. But once you experience the clarity and space that comes from saying No successfully, then you’ll never want to go back to the way you used to do it!

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

What I Learned from 12-Step Slogans

I’m a drunk. I haven’t had a drink since I was 18 years old so my alcoholism was more of the skip-school-shotgun-beers-get-the-spins-and-barf kind rather than the more genteel drink-red-wine-talk-too-loud-cry-on-your-girlfriend’s-shoulder variety. Being an overachiever, I like to say I’ve already consumed my lifetime supply of alcohol.

Being a drunk was a gift. I went to meetings for many years where some very patient old-timers taught me to “live life on life’s terms” and what seemed like a million other eye-rolling slogans. The thing about the corny slogans is they’re actually little parables that express a deeper truth. Those slogans taught me a lot about how to live without using substances to numb out to my feelings. Even though it took me a few more years to stop using all substances to numb out (food anyone?), meetings were the first opportunity I had to examine my beliefs about myself and the world around me.

In meetings we always used to say we felt bad for the “normies” that didn’t have a group like we did to help them learn how to live happy and fulfilling lives. Now I wonder if there really are any normies. So for all you un-normies out there, I thought I would share some of my favorite slogans.

One day at a time. This is the quintessential 12-step slogan. When alcoholics are looking down a loooong dry road of a lifetime of sobriety, it can feel overwhelming. Overwelming enough to make them very thirsty. This slogan reminds us to stay in the here and now and that in this moment, all is well. Ah… thirst (or hunger) abated.

You’re only as sick as your secrets. Keeping secrets is about feeling ashamed of what we’ve done or what’s happened to us. We feel shame because we BELIEVE these things make us wrong/bad/less than in some way. They don’t. It’s our beliefs about what happened that keep us “sick.” No secrets, no shameful beliefs.

Wherever you go, there you are. This one always made me want to punch my sponsor. I was a big fan of changing my circumstances to try to change my feelings. This slogan reminds me that I can try to change the outside all I want, but if I don’t change the inside, nothing’s really changed. I also like to think about this in the context of when/then thinking–”When I lose all the weight, then I’ll be happy.” If you don’t do the inside work, you’ll just be a thinner unhappy person.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The idea that I was actually a little insane if I kept trying the same thing over and over really shook me up. It wasn’t just being stubborn, it was a little nutty. So it’s crazy to keep beating myself up and expect to lose weight? Interesting…

Stop tuning into KFCK. KFCK is the mental radio station hosted by your very own inner lizard. The inner lizard is that part of our brain that, when it really gets going, can spout fearful and just plain mean thoughts all day long. When this happens, you’ve tuned into KFCK. Gently and kindly turn the dial to another station.

Time takes time. This is my favorite slogan because I remember being 2 months sober and wanting to be 10 years sober—because surely I would have it all together then (FYI, I didn’t). Classic when/then thinking. My sponsor would laugh—there was a lot of that—and remind me that having experience and being expert at something takes time. This one reminds me to be where I am and enjoy the ride.

I know there’s more slogans out there and 12-step programs surely do not have the corner on the market. What’s your favorite slogan and why? Comment and share.

Where are the Diet and Exercise Tips?

You might be wondering since I’m a weight loss coach and all, where are the diet and exercise tips? Where are the diet book recommendations and the newest exercises we should all be doing? Well, I can tell you I don’t plan on doing many “Top Ten Tips to Tighten Your Thighs” lists. You may notice I hardly talk about diet and exercise.

There are zillions of excellent nutrition and exercise resources out there and I will periodically share the ones I like. It’s just not the main point of what I do. Focusing solely on diet and exercise is focusing on the symptoms of the weight solely by trying to control what you eat and how you move. Don’t get me wrong, what you eat and how much you move are absolutely important. However, the critical component I focus on is the cause of the weight—the why’s.

Without looking at why the extra weight is on your body, losing weight is like trying to stop a flood. You stack sandbag after sandbag and hope you’ve stacked enough to keep the water (weight) from coming in. It’s a helpless position, you don’t know how much water is coming, when it may come and if it will be devastating this time. You just stack the sandbags in the form of dieting and exercise and hope it works.

Looking at the cause of the weight is like going upstream of the flood and discovering there’s a broken levy there. You’ve now discovered the cause of the flood. Once you repair the levy, you no longer have to frantically stack sandbags and white-knuckle it. You know the flood won’t come.

This is why I talk a lot about beliefs, thinking and feelings, because that’s where the cause of the weight can be found. It’s in the awful things we tell ourselves, the beliefs we have about food, weight and exercise, and even in what we believe about the world around us and the people in it. Those are the levies we need to repair. Once you do that work, eating and exercise are simply things we do to keep our body fueled and healthy.

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Now in complete contradiction of the above post, here’s an exercise tip just for fun. This one is courtesy of my friend and kind torturer Laura Robinson of 5Focus Wellness Studio here in Seattle.

• Lay on your back with your knees up, feet on the floor.
• Tie one of those stretchy-band things into a knot so it forms a circle.
• Put that bad boy right around your knees. (oh you may want to do that before you lay down, I suck at this!)
• Lift your butt up while keeping your head, shoulders and feet on the floor.
• Now move your feet out sideways stretching that band until your feet and knees are wider than shoulder-width apart.
• Now pulse your knees outward for 60 seconds or until your butt feels like it’s on fire, whichever comes first.

Enjoy!